Monday, July 19. 2010
II. We become stuck in a cycle of anger when-
one of more of the causes of anger are present.
we confront the causes and try to force a change
we meet resistance in others to the proposed changes
we become more frustrated and the anger esculates
III. Ways to try to handle anger
A. Unhealthy- suppression,open public aggression, passive aggression-
1. suppression This has been my life long public (not private) practice, believing "Christians do not get angry" and not wanting to be like my father who often became very angry. (I have always tried to be a "good boy") My effort to suppress anger may be manifest in the seizures I have had for the last 15 years. Doctors have told me I have "Conversion Disorder". The Theory is unresolved internal anger is converted unconsciously into clonic-tonic body movements. I must resolve my anger in a healthy way. 2. open public aggression [before I began this study, I had begun to express verbal anger and that (plus the "seizure thing) scared me and led to doing this study. 3. passive aggression- This is expressing anger in underhanded, covert ways, undermining or hurting others without blowing up or assaulting them directly. These 3 methods do not work and are counter productive;
Continue reading "ANGER MANAGEMENT II (REVISED)"
Thursday, June 24. 2010
A recent visit to Washington DC scared me. Well, not the visit itself, but the anger it aroused in me. I surprised myself and those with me by my over the top, negative reaction to all the security restrictions. That is what alarmed me. Where was this reaction coming from? I have since been working my way through a manual on anger management. I had used the book years ago as a resource for pastoral counseling. It is "The Anger Workbook" written by Les Carter and Frank Minirth, published in 1993.
It has been helpful and I think it might be helpful to others. Therefore, I am putting some of my notes on this Blog. This is from my personal journal. I am trying to work through some very personal issues. Writing it out is helpful and I recommend journaling to you if you do not already do it. My experience may be very different than yours, but I am guessing it will be relevant to yours and hopefully you will find my notes helpful.
Carter & Minirth explain Anger as the emotion of self-preservation. It can be defined as effort to preserve self-worth, essential needs and basic convictions when we feel or perceive these are threatened or violated. -p.8
Using this definition, I have come to these conclusions-
Continue reading "ANGER MANAGEMENT I (REVISED)"
Thursday, June 24. 2010
NEXT: Why Anger persists: digging deeper into the 3 factors that cause Anger: Disrespect, Unmet needs, Contradicted convictions
Of all the unmet psychological needs, foremost is the unmet need for love, starting in childhood, then family, peers and in marriage. We depend on people loving us. That dependency can become unhealthy. We crave acceptance and approval and that takes over our lives and our happiness becomes dependent upon others. How others treat us can determine our emotional health.
We must recognize unhealthy dependency on others and reject it. It leads to disappointment, frustration and anger. We must accept that others can not meet all our needs. C&M say we must learn to look to the Lord for the love we need. He must be the "other" who meets this need. And we must learn to turn to Him when we find ourselves feeling unloved. This requires knowing Him and having a strong devotional life and learning to obey Him. This is important but I think it is insufficient.
Continue reading "ANGER MANAGMENT III (REVISED)"
Thursday, June 24. 2010
The Carter Minirth Workbook probes deeper into the problem of Anger management by examining the connection between Anger and Pride.
Pride is defined as the "emotion of self-absorption", of being preoccupied with ourselves (p.117) Such pre-occupation sets us up for anger. Pride is not the same, they say, as arrogance and conceit, but it is having our mind focused on yourself, our rights and preferences. The anger comes when we feel others are not catering to these concerns.
The fundamental solution is to become preoccupied God and focusing on serving Him. We can not be God-centered and self-centered at the same time. We can not dwell in the presence of the Lord and still believe we are the center of the Universe and every one must serve us. However, many of us do not realize, we don't see, how much pride we have. Some of those who love the Lord are also some of the most self-absorbed people I know. They do not realize it. We are very good at compartmentalizing our lives (and deceiving ourselves)
Continue reading "ANGER MANAGEMENT IV (NEW)"
Thursday, June 24. 2010
Fear and Anger. The key (as usual) is with the definition of "fear". It is not about having phobias or anxiety attacks. It is not the same as being unassertive, intimidated, cowardly or extreme shyness. According to the Workbook, "Fear" is inner insecurity that inhibits us from living with confidence. It implies being hesitant, apprehensive and full of doubt. (p.135) And the most reliable sign of fear is defensiveness. The latter includes any tactic intended to shield ourselves from perceived threats (p.137).
The connection of fear and Anger is simple when we remember Anger is the emotion of self-preservation. It can be defined as effort to preserve self-worth, essential needs and basic convictions when we feel or perceive these are threatened or violated.
There are 3 types of tactics used to defend ourselves when dealing with something that makes us fearful: Denial is refusal to acknowledge personal problems bothering us. This is self-deception. Evasiveness, on the other hand, is when a person knows there are personal issues, but deliberately deceives others about them. This is avoiding the issues because problems are expected if they are confronted. There is personal insecurity and a lack of trust in others. (They will not understand or they will reject me or hurt me.) I certainly have been guilty of Evasiveness. Probably all of us have. I think sometimes it is necessary at the moment. Evasiveness becomes a serious issue if it gets out of hand and becomes very frequent and interferes with our relationships and we live a double life filled with dishonesty and deception. Reversal is to go on the verbal offense (believing the best defense is offense) Feeling threatened, we try to turn the tables and go after the person we fear will attack us. Doing this keeps people away from us (or from the "real" us that we are covering up), expecting the worse from them. (I realize I have often used humor or sarcasm to do this when certain people approach or when a sensitive topic comes up. It is defensive move because it wards off their inquiry or changes the subject or it makes them want to step away and leave me alone. I have consciously worked to stop doing this, but it still happens. I am often defensive, and when I am I become touchy and irritable (angry).
Continue reading "ANGER MANAGEMENT V (NEW)"
Tuesday, June 1. 2010
Last week, one of our daughters, Melinda, graduated from college. First she followed her husband through his 20 year career in the Navy and mothered 3 children who are now adults. It actually was a 25 year journey to the large arena in Baltimore, MD where 1200 students received their Bachelors degrees. Melinda was at the top of her class, graduating Summa Cum Laude in History. She is now certified to teach Social Studies in High School. She has what it takes to be a great one. She did her internship this past year at a large inner city school in downtown Baltimore and loved the teaching and her students there and hopes to find a position in a similar school in the Fall.
What was striking about her graduating class at the University of Maryland Baltimore County was how diverse it was. The Valedictorian was Ethiopian and will go on to become a neurologist, He described a study group on campus in which he participated. Out of 10 students only one was American. There were students from around the world in the Class. There seemed to be a very large number from East Asia, India and Africa, as well as Hispanics and European and African Americans. A very international student body. The President of UMBC is an African American. We once lived in Northern Vermont, which is rural and has almost an entirely White population. I thought how far, far away that was, in so many ways.
We do not need to go to the far corners of the world to reach the Nations with the Gospel. They are coming here to the United States and the best and brightest can be found in Universities almost everywhere. Pray for the work of groups like Inter Varsity, Navigators and Campus Crusade in those Schools, as well as for the individual Christian students who study there.
Friday, May 14. 2010
Dear faithful Readers,
There are over 1845 entries on this Blog, posted over more than 5 years. I hope you will browse and enjoy some of them.
God bless
Cal
Friday, February 26. 2010
This story reminded me of the time a few months ago when we received notice from the SSA that 6 years ago they had miscalculated my SS payments. My wife and I sat for an hour and half in their waiting room with maybe 80 other nervous people until being called into a cubicle and interrogated by the stereotypical bureaucrat, who was all business and oh so serious. She reviewed all our financial records. Amazing what they have in their computers. The SSA wanted their money returned, but finally settled on deducting $20 a month from my check henceforth. I had not done anything wrong (it was their mistake) but for a while I thought I was going to be Bernie Madoff's cell mate.
article/2010/02/18/
Wednesday, January 27. 2010
I have always been surrounded by books. At one time my library had some 5000 volumes. (almost all of them non-fiction). Today's Serious Times Blog expresses well how I feel about books and a personal library.
http://www.serioustimes.com/blog.asp?id=117
Wednesday, January 27. 2010
Today I came across the photograph of a childhood friend posted with his academic achievements on the website of The Teaching Company, purveyor of scholarly audio books. He is now a retired Professor of Political Science, having spent most of his his career teaching at Barnard College/Columbia University in NYC. He and I were best buddies in 7-9th grade. We attended a very plain 4 room country school in what was then a rural part of New Jersey. We and our friends walked the 2 miles to school each way, all year long. We often played in the woods and swam in a local swimming hole and enjoyed pick-up baseball games. His folks raised a few chickens and goats (The favorite had only one horn and was named "Patchy"). They did not practice any Religion, while my family was active in the local Congregational Church in the village, where I preached my first sermon at age 12. He became a student of Gandhi and I of Jesus. I haven't seen him since those days, but am thankful for some great memories.
My point is that those early, humble, Norman Rockwell beginnings did not prevent either of us from going on through college and graduate school into professional careers. Where there is a desire and will, along with supportive parents, academic achievement is possible, no matter from which side of the tracks, advantaged or disadvantaged, a child may come.
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